I'm tired of being dumb. I'm tired of waiting on phone calls. I'm tired of loving people so much that I believe their bullshit even though it is blatantly a lie. Honestly, looking at my thought patterns objectively would make your head hurt. When I try, I wonder where the fuck I learned this logic from... it goes a little something like this:
A promise is made -> The promise is broken -> I get angry -> He apologizes and rationalizes his actions -> I get a little softer, but am still angry -> He says he'll make it up to me -> I melt -> I think about the situation -> I apologize for getting angry at all and go back to being an obedient dumbass
Anyone else see the faults with this logic? I see them now, but at the time it seems perfectly fine.
....I just realized something. That's what my mother was like with my stepfather. Oh God. I don't ever want to be that way. That's how I got hurt. Oh shit. Okay, I gotta get rid of him. I have to. I... just don't think my conviction is going to hold... fuck, I know it won't. Who am I kidding?
What the hell is wrong with me?